Let's talk... Sexual Desire

Casual Sex

Casual sex, often portrayed as a taboo subject, is a complex facet of human relationships that deserves candid discussion and understanding. Personally, I believe that it shouldn’t carry so much stigma. I know I have been made to feel awful for engaging in casual sex which has probably increased my feelings of shame. These have then impacted how I feel about myself.

Maybe we need to start redefining Casual Sex?

Casual sex refers to sexual activity without the expectation of a committed relationship. It occurs for various reasons, including exploration, pleasure, and companionship. However, it's crucial to recognize that the motivations and experiences surrounding casual sex vary greatly among individuals.

Redefining casual sex for women is vital. Why do all the negative connotations appear when discussing women having freedom with their sex while men are seen as ‘legends’ or ‘players’.

Casual sex can often lead to vulnerability with emotions resulting in messy relationships but it can also be a wonderful way to explore. As we age we learn about how we can enjoy it, learn about ourselves from it and what we desire in future relationships from it. We can test the waters of future partners, a try before you buy sort of vibe.

The media has often portrayed women who engage in it as sad, lonely or just not ‘worthy of the man’ (picture Samantha from SATC). So, why don’t we own it? Let’s have casual sex (safely) and see how it can make us feel sexy, desirable and often at our best.

In the past I’ve felt like I’ve used it for my own validation but today it’s so important that our main focus is pleasure and desire. We should be more open. Talk about our wants and boundaries to ensure a safe space to exist. Not forgetting the most important factor: having healthy sex.

Love from, Kate

Demisexuality

I had no idea that the term demisexuality existed and I am probably not the only one. To cover all our bases; Demisexuality means that a person will only develop sexual feelings towards someone they also have an emotional bond to. To be clear, forming a bond does not equal sexual attraction, but it has to be present before any sexual actions take place. Kapeesh.

Given that I had no idea that this concept existed I have only recently aligned myself with this definition. Finding demisexuality has made me feel right at home within my sexuality. After discovering that I was bi-sexual fairly recently, this is the last piece that I was missing to fully understand my sexuality and be able to discern what I want from my sex life. Having had this experience myself, I want others to be able to learn as much as possible about their sexuality and sexual desires. Knowledge is power, right? We need all the tools and definitions at our disposal to feel fulfilled and satisfied with our sex lives.

I was a teenager and then a woman in her 20s that didn’t sleep with men on the first date. I wasn’t ‘giving it up’. Unfortunately, during that time, this gave me some purchase. It’s sad to look back and realise that I felt some pride and superiority about this. Acknowledging these feelings was tricky but it makes it even more obvious how important it is to promote and protect a woman’s right to have sex when she likes. With who she likes. And how she likes it. Without the bashing and slut shaming and judgemental comments. I digress. However, on the other side of the coin it I felt stigmatised for not having casual sex. Growing up in the 90s, being a millennial baby and watching SATC I felt completely left out of this world that revolved around sex. It made me feel awkward and sad and a lot of the time, very un-sexy.

I went on a ski season and was entirely thrown. Everyone was sleeping with everyone else, and having a jolly good time doing so. I felt like, if I may, a frigid weirdo, a prude bore. I felt so jealous of everyone having these sexual encounters and rocking up to the après detailing last night's romp so casually. I was in awe. I would consistently think to myself how are they doing this? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be cool and have cool ski season sex with some cool hot boy from the rival ski company? I was confused!! I did not know that I had to develop an emotional connection with someone before anything sexy could happen. Prior to gaining this knowledge I was also under the assumption that ANYONE I developed an emotional connection with was someone I was sexually attracted to. Palm to face moment. But that was all I had known. This meant that, yep you guessed it, I became friends with a nice man during ski season and slept with him because I thought that friends = sexual attraction. Boy! What a learning curve! Now I can make informed decisions about who I want to sleep with. Before it felt like my sexual desire was blindfolded in the middle of an ice-rink with just socks on. Lonely, grabbing hold of anything that looked like it might help and, at times, soggy.

Now I have the language and the support to guide me. I can safely say I will make informed choices about my sexual partners. It feels nice to be on solid ground. I want all women to have all the information in order to make proper decisions. Also, orgasms, women need to be having more orgasms.

Love from, Lily