Let's talk... babies

I can almost hear my womb speaking to me each month, as my period comes in heavy. It asks “when are you going to get pregnant? You don’t have forever you know? Where is my little egg that I can cherish and grow and keep safe for nine months you selfish, career chasing, modernist woman?”

Finally, my period eased and I came out of my feverish state brought upon by the pain and a five day long bleeding session. Coming out of the fog of my period, I realised it wasn’t my womb speaking to me at all. It was acting as a manifestation that I had conjured up myself. I had made my womb into a representation of all the societal pressures put on women to procreate, be motherly and most importantly, bake cakes. I sat and thought about this for a while and realised that this was not a one off event. My womb was always at the centre of any negative thoughts I had about my potential as a woman. I blamed it for my painful periods every month, and if I got accidentally pregnant it would be my womb's fault. In the back of my mind I have thoughts about how my womb might one day get in the way of my career. My womb could be the cause of potentially life-threatening illnesses as I get older, and then bring on menopausal sweats, anxieties and general tough times. It is like my womb is an entirely different entity, independent of my body. It has different goals and dreams than I do and they feel at odds with each other. My womb wants me to bear a child and I want to chase my career and travel the world. One problem, my womb exists inside me. We are one and the same.

Instead of fighting to the death, even though I am confident I would win, I think I should try and assimilate my womb with who I am as a woman. I don’t want to waste years struggling through an internal battle with myself. How can I begin to accept my womb when everything I have heard about it, read about it and believed about it is that it aims to limit me? First things first (I’m the realest (if you are not an iggy azalea fan ignore this joke thank you), I need to start to unpick, like thread from a hem, what are my own thoughts and what thoughts have been embedded by society about my womb. Perhaps it can become a source of power, stronger as we work together? Or maybe we can simply hope to just exist side by side, lessening the mental load as the turmoil disappears. I (and probably loads of other women of my millennial generation) have become scared of the power my womb might have over me, limiting my jobs and causing me so much pain each month. But do I ever stop and think about the positives? Shouldn’t I be grateful that I have the power to bring new life into this world? Marvel at the beautiful and complex mother nature who allows this. If nature is a mother, it can’t be that bad? I think as women we have been made to feel that we need to reject our softer sides, our more motherly and gentle sides. Otherwise we will not be taken seriously as competitors for jobs or venture capital funding or just in general.

In dark times like this we can only look to our Queen, our mother, Beyoncé. She made history when she won her 32nd Grammy, becoming the artist with the most Grammy wins EVER. She is the only artist in all of history to have her albums début at number one on the Billboard 200. She is an icon and a leader. Her feature film on Netflix called ‘Homecoming’ details the journey she experienced in the leadup performance at Coachella. The journey begins with her giving birth to her twins. We see her working out and rehearsing choreo whilst still not feeling connected to her body after childbirth. The film snaps back and forth between her performing on stage to the eight month rehearsal process. You can see from this that Beyoncé is not just a mother, or just a performer or just, you know, the first black woman to headline Coachella!!!! She is everything. Strong in her opinions, unwavering in her commitment to her work, whilst having softness and focus as she raises a family. Having children has not limited her at all but brought about expansion. She says “I feel like I’m just a new woman, in a new chapter of life”.

It's a beautiful miracle that women are “strong enough to bear the children, then get back to business”. I am extremely grateful to all the women behind me who made this possible. I am also grateful to the women who fought for our right to choose. As we (women) become business owners and entrepreneurs and millionaires and CEOs we can make our womb our friend again. We should not let society make us feel scared to be soft, to raise children. If that’s what we want of course. It’s time to make friends with our wombs and feel the power rise from deep within us.

Love from, Lily